I’ve survived 5/6 of my bond with the hospital I am working for and am feeling both proud of myself and somewhat lost. I’ve been waiting for the time I am finally free and knowing that it’s coming soon is really exciting as well as somewhat nerve wrecking! 

I’ve always had it in my head that I would just pack my bags and become a global vagabond once I could; living a free life, moving from country to country – dreaming of sitting in strange places, experiencing loud and crazy cities, quiet hamlets, fancy cosmopolitan places as well as third world mud crusted countries. Living out of a suitcase packed with clothes for any occasion and climate – with my feline companion in tow. 

I want to do so many things, re-discover the creative side of myself, learn a new language and feel less trapped and frustrated. Somehow the years of being here and trying to stem my dissatisfaction of having no choice in so many areas of my life have planted a few seeds of dullness and lethargy, something I have long feared would happen. Sometimes the best decisions one can make for oneself are done on impulse! 

Anyway, I know it’ll be easy for me to find my way out of here. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is the one reason to wake up every morning. I’m working to get myself somewhere…

It’s the time of my life where everyone around me is tying the knot. Attending wedding after wedding where my friends profess their love and do their vow-shit does make me think about my own relationship and how it’s so lacking in many areas that are essential for a lasting, meaningful and beautiful one. Perhaps I am just really idealistic but I know instinctively that he and I need more work. 

First time I’m dating a muslim – who initially acted like such a rebel; but now I realise how deeply traditional he is. I wouldn’t be surprised if he decides to start going to the mosque and start praying. Already he’s stopped drinking so much and we hardly ever go out partying anymore. Which is weird and perhaps maybe I won’t be able to accept that. The last thing I want to do is to convert because I don’t believe in religion, plus it would just kill my ultra Catholic father of mine who already is neurotic and psychotic enough. 

As the time together with him has gone by, I have less and less faith that what he wants is what I want; which probably means that eventually I would have to pack my bags and chase my life dreams alone. Already I’ve been stalled for a while now with very little promise or plans for a happy future. It feels like I’m sitting in a row boat with someone who is sometimes stubbornly directing me to steer in directions I really don’t want to go, while he doesn’t lift the paddles much – until I am not looking; and when I open up my eyes, realise that I am not where I wanted to be. 

In truth; relationships work mostly if it is practical. Not really so much of chemistry and passion; but common goals and ideals. 

I’m not sure what I should do now. Perhaps it might be time to quietly start building my own little row boat with just space for me and my cat.

July 31, 2008
Stuck In The Mud
Staying In PainPain comes and it goes. It is just one component to the grand cycle of life. And when experienced as such, pain can serve as an important teacher. It is when we get stuck in our pain that it becomes detrimental to our well-being and development. If you notice that you feel closed-off, resentful, heavy-hearted, or that you try very hard to avoid being hurt again, there may be a part of you that is still stuck in pain. 

We can get stuck in our pain for many reasons. As children, it was natural for us to cry, throw a tantrum, and let the experience move through us. By fully feeling our pain in this way, our emotions would wash us clean, leaving us open and available to new experiences. With age, though, we might have determined that expressing emotion was no longer appropriate, and so we developed a variety of coping strategies to deal with our discomfort. We may have learned to stuff our feelings down or to run away from them. Perhaps we began thinking that staying closed and unwilling to try new things would keep us safe from heartbreak, safe from rejection, and safe from failure. We may have even gotten so used to being in pain that the thought of being without it scares us. But, if we continue to hold onto it longer than necessary, we are expending a lot of energy that could instead be channeled into making our life experiences more positive.

If you notice that you are continually connecting with the same familiar patterns of pain, consider embracing your feelings and letting go of your hurt. Whether your pain is from childhood or from an experience last week, see if you can give it room to move. When it does, you will reconnect with a wonderful source of your own vital energy.

Remember those candlelit nights

Your hair against your skin

A soft invite 

Those halcyon days 

A torrid affair

But that time has passed. 

We laughed and rolled around

Among the peppered grass

Stole too much from the world

And gave a little more back

But that time has passed. 

We moved from body to body

You from me to another her

And I from him to him to him

Erasing each other

But that time has passed. 

Angry nights feeling betrayed 

Abandoned again

Alone and lost

But that time has passed.

It was a glorious week in Thailand; always nice to escape Singapore during the Christmas period because it’s just sometimes too depressing and commercial here. We basked in the sun, did nothing, read a book each and got nicely tanned. We stopped by Koh Samui and then went down to Ko Phangan for the Full moon party – which was a little depressing with the insane ang mohs and way too many Thai police for comfort.  So after a few days on that island we ferried back to Samui, which we both fell in love with. Samui’s airport is really pretty, doesn’t even look like an airport! It was a much needed and good break from the madness and mayhem back here. I had gotten so wound up with work, the increasing amounts of politics at work, the stress in my current apartment and the hassles of finding a new place to sleep in and all the packing!Now back with better energy and a more positive outlook and a gorgeous tan; I think I can face the new year with a better first foot forward. 

Just so happy!

Like I told E on the phone I feel like I am standing on an iceberg that’s slowly moving away from me – piece by piece. And should I stay standing on my spot and worry or just jump onto one of those moving pieces and enjoy the ride?

It is inevitable that things happen. We try to stay in our comfortable and oozy spot, where things work the way we want them to.

I have to move once again because of something I have done. It is my fault; I created this and so I will enjoy it.

The cats are wandering in the empty spaces they enjoy and so will I. Taking with me what I love and leaving behind all the crap of the year.

There is much more to look forward to than there is to gaze at behind.

In every interaction, unit, circle of friends we take on a role; different roles but I think essentially we all sit in the same spot – we play always and always a similar character.

We all take the path of least resistance, and move into the same comfort zones so that we can function the way we know how.

And everyone around us will dance the only dance that they know how. Be it white lies to stop the pain, a continuous ruse to avoid conflict.

We choose the paths we take, influenced by our environment, our friends, alliances and singular aims alike.

We choose the happiest, most comfortable path available from what we know.

oh yes and E explained how sweet that song is to me the other day. Had no idea. So now from it being just some cheesy song you may hear at some tourist resort it’s become something beautiful. *grin*

I also love this song

Disgust

Danger

Drop

Death

Desperation

Desire

Dreams

* It’s been another weird week with so much coming and going. T is off again on his work trips to Thailand and Vietnam this time, surrounded by loads of poverty and sadness and also good things.

Our German housemate, C, left this Thursday!  So it’s been a few days of having the whole apartment to myself, which is nice, really. E has been coming over daily to hang out with me and to have dinner too, which is also really nice.

And so apparently the average wage in a Northern Vietnam village is 2USD a month.

Now I feel even worse about my gargantuan debts. >.<

But really what can we do about the poverty in our neighbouring countries when the problems that cause it are mostly politically driven?

Would things improve if I was less materialistic and lived a less capitalistic lifestyle?

Would they?