I want to run away…
I’m totally and utterly fed up with work. I am tired of being bossed around and nagged at and micromanaged. I just don’t fit in there and I really can’t wait to get out of there.
Spent two days chilling out with my girlfriend and avoiding all thought of work. I wish I could just resign now and not wait till my bloody bond is over. It has come to a point where I don’t want to even hang in there and wait for my bonus at the end of the year. Sigh.
Now I know why people take photographs during their holidays – so that in times like this, they can look at something pretty and feel better about life.
I just want to be where I can be myself and not always pressured into being or behaving in a certain way. I long for a slower pace and a sunny road… Simplicity. I just have to hang in there for half a year more.
And in the mean time, I once again have to move. I wonder where I will stay this time… I wish I had somewhere permanent to live for a while, but I guess that won’t be happening for at least the next 3 years or so.
Pencil?!
http://theextraordinarypencil.blogspot.com/
http://marsharobinett.com/works
Found this amazing artist online whilst looking up some drawing techniques and I can’t believe what pencil can do! I have always wanted to do something creative with myself, and actually be good. However, time does fly and procrastination takes over all forms of motivation I have.
The losing battle
There seems always to be a losing battle between me and dirt. Yup. I spent part of my sick day off on Monday (where I succumbed to a particularly annoying strain of flu I suspected my colleague passed me when he repeatedly informed me that he wasn’t feeling well and needed to go on sick leave) scrubbing the nether regions of the apartment.
One of the many frustrating things about renting in Singapore is the amount of crap one has to put up with. There’s the bullshit from the agents and the owners, then there’s the actual filth that’s left behind for the next tenant (me in this case) to inherit. Pure disgusting stomach churning dirt.
I’m back
Thought I’d give blogging another go! It’s a really useful time killer – although here in Singapore there isn’t that much time to kill considering we spent most of it rushing around just to ‘save time’.
Anyway, a lot has happened since my last entry, and it’ll be really enjoyable to talk about them bit by bit as we go along.
Firstly, I have a new cat:
Chewy
Because Ivy, my previous cat, decided to run away 3 days before I had to shift out of my previous rented apartment. Which I will talk about in another post.
Secondly, as mentioned, I have moved yet again. Three times since my last entry. Which again, I will talk about in another post.
But anyway, it’s been a really great December, my big brother got married, which was the first wedding in our large family! We all had a blast getting dressed up for it and feasting and laughing. Then came Christmas and now it’s the end of 2009. Usually always conjures a sense of nostalgia for me which is probably why I’ve decided to start blogging again. I guess suddenly there is something to write about.
More to come tomorrow… For now, it’s time to sleep.
But yay! I’m back!
And P.S. my lucky bum boyfriend only has tomorrow left to work then he’s off till next year! How good is that… I’m really jealous and don’t particularly feel like waking up to drag old grumpy people out of bed…
Working to get somewhere!
I’ve survived 5/6 of my bond with the hospital I am working for and am feeling both proud of myself and somewhat lost. I’ve been waiting for the time I am finally free and knowing that it’s coming soon is really exciting as well as somewhat nerve wrecking!
I’ve always had it in my head that I would just pack my bags and become a global vagabond once I could; living a free life, moving from country to country – dreaming of sitting in strange places, experiencing loud and crazy cities, quiet hamlets, fancy cosmopolitan places as well as third world mud crusted countries. Living out of a suitcase packed with clothes for any occasion and climate – with my feline companion in tow.
I want to do so many things, re-discover the creative side of myself, learn a new language and feel less trapped and frustrated. Somehow the years of being here and trying to stem my dissatisfaction of having no choice in so many areas of my life have planted a few seeds of dullness and lethargy, something I have long feared would happen. Sometimes the best decisions one can make for oneself are done on impulse!
Anyway, I know it’ll be easy for me to find my way out of here. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is the one reason to wake up every morning. I’m working to get myself somewhere…
Weddings and weddings
It’s the time of my life where everyone around me is tying the knot. Attending wedding after wedding where my friends profess their love and do their vow-shit does make me think about my own relationship and how it’s so lacking in many areas that are essential for a lasting, meaningful and beautiful one. Perhaps I am just really idealistic but I know instinctively that he and I need more work.
First time I’m dating a muslim – who initially acted like such a rebel; but now I realise how deeply traditional he is. I wouldn’t be surprised if he decides to start going to the mosque and start praying. Already he’s stopped drinking so much and we hardly ever go out partying anymore. Which is weird and perhaps maybe I won’t be able to accept that. The last thing I want to do is to convert because I don’t believe in religion, plus it would just kill my ultra Catholic father of mine who already is neurotic and psychotic enough.
As the time together with him has gone by, I have less and less faith that what he wants is what I want; which probably means that eventually I would have to pack my bags and chase my life dreams alone. Already I’ve been stalled for a while now with very little promise or plans for a happy future. It feels like I’m sitting in a row boat with someone who is sometimes stubbornly directing me to steer in directions I really don’t want to go, while he doesn’t lift the paddles much – until I am not looking; and when I open up my eyes, realise that I am not where I wanted to be.
In truth; relationships work mostly if it is practical. Not really so much of chemistry and passion; but common goals and ideals.
I’m not sure what I should do now. Perhaps it might be time to quietly start building my own little row boat with just space for me and my cat.
Help! I am stuck again!
July 31, 2008
Stuck In The Mud
Staying In PainPain comes and it goes. It is just one component to the grand cycle of life. And when experienced as such, pain can serve as an important teacher. It is when we get stuck in our pain that it becomes detrimental to our well-being and development. If you notice that you feel closed-off, resentful, heavy-hearted, or that you try very hard to avoid being hurt again, there may be a part of you that is still stuck in pain.
We can get stuck in our pain for many reasons. As children, it was natural for us to cry, throw a tantrum, and let the experience move through us. By fully feeling our pain in this way, our emotions would wash us clean, leaving us open and available to new experiences. With age, though, we might have determined that expressing emotion was no longer appropriate, and so we developed a variety of coping strategies to deal with our discomfort. We may have learned to stuff our feelings down or to run away from them. Perhaps we began thinking that staying closed and unwilling to try new things would keep us safe from heartbreak, safe from rejection, and safe from failure. We may have even gotten so used to being in pain that the thought of being without it scares us. But, if we continue to hold onto it longer than necessary, we are expending a lot of energy that could instead be channeled into making our life experiences more positive.
If you notice that you are continually connecting with the same familiar patterns of pain, consider embracing your feelings and letting go of your hurt. Whether your pain is from childhood or from an experience last week, see if you can give it room to move. When it does, you will reconnect with a wonderful source of your own vital energy.
but that time has passed…
Remember those candlelit nights
Your hair against your skin
A soft invite
Those halcyon days
A torrid affair
But that time has passed.
We laughed and rolled around
Among the peppered grass
Stole too much from the world
And gave a little more back
But that time has passed.
We moved from body to body
You from me to another her
And I from him to him to him
Erasing each other
But that time has passed.
Angry nights feeling betrayed
Abandoned again
Alone and lost
But that time has passed.
And we are back!
It was a glorious week in Thailand; always nice to escape Singapore during the Christmas period because it’s just sometimes too depressing and commercial here. We basked in the sun, did nothing, read a book each and got nicely tanned. We stopped by Koh Samui and then went down to Ko Phangan for the Full moon party – which was a little depressing with the insane ang mohs and way too many Thai police for comfort. So after a few days on that island we ferried back to Samui, which we both fell in love with. Samui’s airport is really pretty, doesn’t even look like an airport! It was a much needed and good break from the madness and mayhem back here. I had gotten so wound up with work, the increasing amounts of politics at work, the stress in my current apartment and the hassles of finding a new place to sleep in and all the packing!Now back with better energy and a more positive outlook and a gorgeous tan; I think I can face the new year with a better first foot forward.
